> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://www.orsonboon.com/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # "All Good, Mate" Is Also What Drowning Sounds Like - URL: https://www.orsonboon.com/all-good-mate-is-also-what-drowning-sounds-like/ - Published: 2026-11-10T10:23:00.000Z - Updated: 2026-11-10T10:57:15.000Z - Description: That's how a man goes under in plain sight. Not thrashing about. Just bobbing along, smiling, giving a thumbs up, while everyone on the bank agrees he's a strong swimmer. - Author: Orson Boon - Tags: Relationships and Masculinity, Life A golfing buddy told a man in New Jersey that he'd just become a dad. Lovely news. Our man passed it on to his fiancée, Phoebe. She asked the obvious question. Boy or girl? He didn't know. What's the name? Didn't ask. How did the birth go? Didn't ask. His explanation, which I think deserves to be carved over the door of every pub in Britain, was that his mate said everything was good, so he [assumed everything was good](https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/articles/men-roasted-interact-friends-lack-151351396.html?ref=orsonboon.com). It ended up on TikTok, obviously. Because this is now a genre. Women everywhere are posting their partners failing basic follow up questions about their own friends, and the trend has a name: "POV: Men". Some are even setting their blokes up on purpose so they can catch it on camera. One boyfriend was asked why his mate's ten year relationship had ended. Who left? Did someone cheat? His full briefing was that the mate said it was done and he was free to golf this weekend. Ten years. Summarised as a tee time. I laughed out loud. Then I stopped laughing, because I recognised every word. Here is the complete transcript of most conversations between men about major life events. "Had the baby." "Nice one." "Cheers." Pint. That's it. That's the whole file. A woman comes back from coffee with a friend and she's got the timeline, the motives, what the mother in law said and what the mother in law meant. A man comes back from eighteen holes with a score and the news that someone, somewhere, has been born. And in fairness to us, there's something quite lovely about it. No questions means no interrogation. Your mate takes you at your word. You say it's done, he says right, and he hands you a club. Nobody makes you relive the worst night of your life over a sandwich. A lot of male friendship works side by side rather than face to face. You turn up. You stand next to each other. You don't make a fuss. For plenty of men that isn't a lack of love. That's what love looks like. A counsellor quoted in the coverage made the point that men tend to hold on to the gist of a story, the outcome and whether it was good or bad, while the emotional detail never gets filed. She also said this mostly becomes a problem when a man struggles to build friendships or to communicate. Which brings me to the problem. "No questions, just vibes" is a brilliant system with one fatal flaw. It only works if everyone is telling the truth. When your mate says everything's good after the birth, it probably is. But what about the mate who says everything's good when it isn't? The one who's drinking every night, whose marriage has been quietly dying for two years, who's lying awake at three in the morning running sums he can't make work? He'll say exactly the same thing. "All good, mate." And the system will accept it without a flicker, because the system was never built to check. That's the bit that isn't funny. A few days ago I wrote that I've never once said "I need help" to another human being. Not to my wife, not to a mate, not to anyone. I promised I'd say it within the week. I haven't yet. Which tells you exactly how strong this rule is. Men don't volunteer it. Not even the ones writing articles telling other men to. Now put that next to this TikTok trend and look at what you've got. One man who won't say it. Another man who won't ask. Two halves of the same lock. The silence isn't one man's problem. It's a deal both sides have quietly agreed to. I won't make it awkward for you if you don't make it awkward for me. The numbers suggest a lot of men have signed that deal. In a [2018 Movember survey](https://uk.movember.com/story/view/id/11740?ref=orsonboon.com), almost half of men said they don't talk openly with their friends about their problems. And around [three quarters of suicides registered in England and Wales](https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/suicidesintheunitedkingdom/2023?ref=orsonboon.com) are men, a pattern that has held since the mid 1990s. I'm not saying a missed follow up question kills anybody. Life is more complicated than that, and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. But "he seemed fine" gets said about men far too often, and it's usually true. He did seem fine. Nobody asked a second question. That's how a man goes under in plain sight. Not thrashing about. Just bobbing along, smiling, giving a thumbs up, while everyone on the bank agrees he's a strong swimmer. So what do we do? Less than you'd think. You don't have to turn five a side into a sharing circle. Nobody needs a talking stick. The counsellor's advice was simple: ask one more question before you move on. That's it. One. Your mate's had a baby. Boy or girl? How's he finding it? How's he sleeping? That last one is a sneaky good question, by the way. It sounds like small talk. It's actually a door. Your mate's split up after ten years. Fine, go golfing. But somewhere around the ninth hole, ask him how he's actually doing. Then, and this is the important part, shut up and wait. If he says "fine", ask again. The first answer is the reflex. The second answer is the man. And if you're the one being asked, try answering properly once. You don't need to fall apart on the fairway. One true sentence will do. It's November. Plenty of you are growing a moustache for men's mental health right now. Good. Grow it. But a moustache is a fundraiser, not a friendship. The cheapest thing you can do for a man this month is ask him a second question and actually listen to the answer. As for the women filming all this, keep going. You're doing us a favour. It's hard to argue with the footage. No questions, just vibes is a perfectly good way to watch the football. It's a terrible way to notice a man going under. Next time your mate tells you something big, find out the baby's name. Then find out how he is. If you're struggling right now, Samaritans are there day and night on 116 123, or at [samaritans.org](https://www.samaritans.org/?ref=orsonboon.com).